I honestly don't know what to say these days.
I am torn between wanting to share this blog with the people around me, yet I really don't want to hear what criticism I may receive, simply because it will not affect who I am, or the content of the blog; it would simply be annoying, and a downer; and completely unnecessary. Furthermore, the people who would judge and give me grief, are the ones who inspired me to start this blog anyway; the people who don't really care to know me.
I find myself holding my tongue more and more, interacting less with my peers, and spending more time with the people I really care about.
I'm going to be honest here, because that's what this blog is for. If people read it later on in life and get their panties in a bunch over it, that's something I'll deal with then.
I feel dumped by my friends. One of them got a boyfriend a little over three months ago, and I thought we'd do things together - you know, all hang out, I'd be the third wheel and get used to it, and maybe another one of our friends would join in and we'd have even more fun.
No, no, no. That's not the case. That's not how it went down. We hung out about a week and a half after they started dating, went shopping for the Junior high Christmas party before Christmas, and that's all the time we'd spent together in three months until we went on a walk last week.
I feel so sad, not because I can't handle the being dumped thing, but because I don't trust the guy with her heart. He's lied about things people have said, he's rude to me and doesn't like me, and I really, truly, haven't spent any time with him, so I feel his judgement is unfair. Y'all know me and y'all know that I've worked hard to get over what people think of me - it's not that. It's that it reflects poorly on his character, in my opinion, because he's judging someone he refuses to spend time with. I feel like she's going to end up hurt, and it makes me mad that I can't do anything about it. But that's life, isn't it?
Along with all of this, another one of my friends has shown me that we weren't exactly on the same page with our friendship, and I feel used; simply a person to fill her empty time slots when she got bored; and the second I messed up and said the right thing at the wrong time, I'm chop liver.
It's okay, of course; but it's sad, because I was truly feeling like we were moving past so many of the things we struggled with.
Beyond all of this, though, God's given me new friendships. One, with a 24 year old named Kelsey, who is my friend's boyfriend's older sister, and another with a young man named Jesse.
The times Kelsey and I spend together bless my heart so much. I can't describe to you how wonderful they are. I feel like she's me in 7 years...or how I want to be in 7 years. We spend our Tuesday afternoons watching The Bachelor that I recorded the night before, and shop in classy stores that no one really likes around here except us. We talk about politics and theology and life and just enjoy ourselves. She's special and I am thankful for her; kind of like an older sister to me.
And then Jesse. I know, some of you skipped right to here because he's a he...but no, there is nothing, nothing going on. He is simply a wonderful friend, who is showing me that guys and girls can be friends, and interact on a normal level, and have a healthy relationship, so long as both parties are looking to serve the other as their brother or sister in Christ. He truly treats me like a sister, and makes sure I know that I'm loved by my King; he reassures me when I'm doubting myself and lends his thoughts when I go on my crazy thinking sprees. He only moved here a few months ago, but I feel like we've been friends forever. We never run out of wholesome things to talk about. It's great, and I am thankful for him, as well.
I am genuinely trying to balance what I talk about on here between fun and real life stuff. I don't know how to do that, perfectly, though, because to me, being raw with y'all is so important, it's what makes my blog mine.
All the love in the world to you, today, sweet friends. May your Thursday be blessed.